The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, it's official. I didn't get either of the jobs I applied for back home, so it looks like I will be moving to the big city and taking the (original) offer in a school system up there.

This has been a long (and frustrating) process. There was the excitement of discovering this job in the first place, then the second thoughts about wanting to move home, the job interviews back home, deciding to definitely move back home, and then realization that both of those doors were closed for me and the only option was to move forward with the job that I had convinced myself that I didn't want.

God has a funny way of keeping us focused. I think He knew all along that the best thing for me was to move to a new place, away from my friends and family, and start a new life for myself rather than move back home and settle into life there. I got off the path by trying to make other plans (and some of them were very good ones!) but I am confident now of where I need to be.

It's a little exciting to think about living somewhere totally new (again). Let the planning begin! :)

Seriously?

Seriously.

I Got Puppies!

In much anticipated and exciting news, there are two little balls of fur running around my apartment and it's absolutely heaven!

After two weeks of crying almost every time I walked into my empty apartment alone, I finally decided to do something about it. As you may have read in a previous post, I've wanted a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel for a long time. My mom remembered that my freshman year roommate's grandmother bred them because I had gone to visit them the last time I was home and saw one of the puppies.

Turns out, they still had three puppies available. :)

I got the phone number from my friend and called her grandmother who said to please, please come look at them. So I did! In talking with her, we both decided that it might be better to get two so that they can grow up together and keep each other company during the day. She also said that it would help the transition to a new place if I got two. And then the big kicker... "my family has spoken so highly of you and they told me what a wonderful puppy mom you would be so if you will take two, then we can talk about getting the price down."

I was sold. Although initially unprepared for two, what better time to get two than when someone gives you an incredible deal! I eventually wanted two (even though I thought that might be a year or two from now) but the idea of having a sibling set and having each other around was just too sweet a thought.

Now, having them home for 24 hours, I am so glad that I decided to get two. They have been able to entertain themselves for the most part--wrestling, chasing each other, fighting over the same toy, and snuggling up together after playing hard for hours. They are my little sidekicks.

So here is my favorite picture of us so far (taken yesterday on the breeder's porch):

That is Lucy on the left (the tri color) and Linus on the right (the black and tan).

I bought them a few toys at Petsmart but their favorite things to play with (other than each other) are the sweetgum balls from the backyard. They're completely obsessed.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Spring Cleaning

I hate to clean more than anything else on the face of the planet (except maybe laundry). But after a hard week, I thought it might be a good time to just clean my life up a little bit. There are traces of Mattie everywhere through my apartment and in my car so I decided to give everything a makeover - head to toe (or ceiling to floor in this case).

I started by taking all the slipcovers off my furniture and then I dusted and vacuumed the downstairs. I did a bazillion dishes, cleaned the kitchen countertops, and swept and mopped the kitchen floor and entryway.

Before tackling the upstairs (which is up there waiting on me), I decided to clean out my car. So I dragged my vacuum cleaner outside, thankful that I get to park two feet from my front door, and vacuumed out the whole interior of my car. I then used auto wipes to clean off all the hard surfaces, windexed the interior windows, and Febreezed the whole inside. It has been a while since my car has been this clean!

The only downside is that when I got back in, the weather started to get a little cloudy. I decided to turn on a lamp in my living room to brighten things up a little, and.... boom! Something popped (I am assuming from the socket) and all the power went off in my living room. I am waiting on the emergency maintenance people to come fix it as we speak. Thankfully, the living room seems to be the only room affected so I plugged my laptop charger in the dining room. But still... this put a little damper on my motivation to clean!

The days are definitely getting a little easier to handle. I can't believe it's been five days since I lost Mattie! The weekends were our time to hang out and it has definitely been hard the past few days knowing that my little shadow wasn't following me around. You might think that I would be grateful for the silence (and the ability to sleep in for hours and hours) but really, it just makes me want to get a puppy even more. There is dog-shaped hole in my heart and I think that in a week or two (yes, that soon, Daddy!) I will be ready to jump into being a dog owner again.

On the subject of puppies, I definitely want a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I've done my research and I know several people that have one and I think it would be the perfect dog for me! My dad said that he would prefer that I get something smaller than Mattie (she was a whopping 38 pounds most of the time) and also one young enough that I could crate train it. I don't think I could ever have an itty bitty dog (like a Yorkie or a Maltese) but Cavaliers are the biggest of the toy group--small enough to be a lap dog but hearty enough to not be fragile.

So I'm reading every Cavalier book and puppy training book I can get my hands on to prepare for this next big adventure! Also, I am supposed to hear back about the private practice job by Wednesday. Please pray super hard that they want me! It would be such a wonderful opportunity and honestly, I could use some good news.

Seriously?

Seriously.

On a Happier Note

Things have been much better today! No tears yet and no anxiety-stricken moments of which to speak (so far). I am so thankful that the days are getting a little easier. My apartment has not seen this much quiet in a long time! (Okay, ever....)

I am going to take a few weeks to bask in the silence and then it's time to start preparing for puppy-ness. :) Can't wait to get this place filled up again! I think that Mattie would want me to move on. Dogs have a very keen sense of when their owners are upset and I don't think anyone can ever love you like a dog can - so pure and unconditional. So I am sure that Mattie is looking down and wishing there was another dog to love me the way that she did. I don't think she would want me to be lonely!

Stay posted for puppy updates.

After I got off work this afternoon, I went to Target and the grocery store and stocked up on some much needed food and cleaning supplies. I also bought this very cute (and handy) meal planner thingy. It's really just a glorified marker board with some writing all over it, but it's magnetic and it sticks to the refrigerator. I'm hoping that by planning out all my meals for the week that I will be less likely to eat out - and save more money in the process!

I decided to be totally lame this evening. I bought a 1000 piece puzzle and it's really difficult and I've been working on it all night while watching "What Not To Wear." But I am meeting one of my favorite cousins and some of her friends from college at Waffle House later tonight! She is traveling through town on her way back to school and I am so excited to catch up with her.

Tomorrow, I am going to sleep in as late as I want to... knowing that Mattie is in heaven letting herself out into a huge grassy yard instead of whining for me to get up and do it, haha.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Mattie

I put my four-legged best friend to sleep this afternoon.

I basically showed up at the vet with my friend Emily (whom I was very glad could go with me!) and we were immediately ushered into one of the exam rooms. We waited for about twenty minutes for the vet, and although I was upset about waiting so long for something so dreadful, looking back, I am glad I had those precious sweet moments to love on Mattie.

They had trouble giving Mattie the "pink stuff" through a needle so they ended up taking her in the back and putting a catheter in her arm. (It was remarkably similar to the ones that I see in the arms of my patients at the hospital.) So they injected the pink stuff in the catheter, Mattie gave me a kiss on the nose, and literally ten seconds later Mattie sorta sat down and that was it. It was so quick that I hardly had time to process it all. It was so peaceful. She didn't whine or whimper. She really didn't even have a big, final sigh. She just went away quietly. I kissed her goodbye and that was pretty much it.

I have never felt so loved on in all my life. There have been dozens of text messages, emails, and notes on facebook from friends who are sending their prayers and love. I am so grateful for each of them. It is a good feeling knowing that so many people were touched by Mattie and those who might never have met her but have gone through this process before.

Emily was a great distraction this evening. We went out for chips and queso and margaritas at one of the restaurants in town and then we went to Petsmart where I bought a betta fish. His name is Bernie and I will be posting pictures once he gets used to his little fish bowl.

Emily took this picture right before we left for the vet. Please excuse my puffy eyes and lack of makeup. (I tried to fix the red-eye on Mattie but it only worked on one... haha)

Anyway, long story short, I have had some emotional moments, but I think I'm holding up fairly well, all things considered. It was tough walking into my apartment this evening knowing that she wasn't going to be there to greet me like she has for the past four years. I could have stayed with a friend tonight but I just really wanted to relax and reflect on my own (and I sleep best in my own bed!) I am spending the rest of the night watching "American Idol" and then headed to bed early. Tomorrow will be difficult, and then each day will get a little bit easier until the only memories left are happy ones.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The Hardest Thing

I'm writing tonight with a heavy heart....

I've had my share of "earth-shattering" moments in my life. I remember being told that my dad had cancer, that my mom had a brain tumor less than two years later, and even breaking up with a guy that I thought was "the one" for me.

But tonight is a different kind of heaviness--one that I haven't ever had to deal with before now.

I took Mattie to an emergency vet appointment tonight because she had another seizure this morning (the second in a week). I had an appointment set up in two weeks but decided that she needed to be checked out sooner than later.

Turns out, Mattie has a brain tumor. She's going to be put to sleep next week. The vet wanted to do it sooner than later because Mattie is at risk for having a seizure so big that she can't get out of it. She will be cremated and they are going to make a little cement plaque with her front paw prints in it so I'll have something to keep of her. (I declined the offer to keep her ashes for an additional $125....)

I've got the weekend to come to terms with all of this. It's a much needed distraction. I had already planned to go home and so it worked out that my family will be able to say their goodbyes. I'm also going to a friend's wedding and one of my very best friends is tagging along as my date, which will be another great way to get my mind off things.

Prayers are appreciated over the next couple of days. I am going to get through this. One step at a time....

Seriously?

Seriously.

Jobs, Puppy Love, and the Bachelor

Warning: if you don't want to know how the Bachelor ended (talking to you Katie!) then watch the show before you read this post!

On the homefront, I'm sure you are dying to know about the current job situation. I got myself in a little deeper by applying for yet another job today. This one is in a hospital and I'm very much looking forward to hearing back from those doing the hiring. I like keeping my options open a little bit: one hospital, one private practice, one school system.... We'll see.

On some not so good news, many of you have met and loved on my sweet lil dog, Mattie. I rescued her from a humane-society-type organization in May of 2007 and she has been nothing but love ever since. She taught me how to be a dog owner and has been a support system for me when all my other friends were getting boyfriends or getting engaged.

Right before Christmas break, I blogged that she was having some trouble getting up the stairs. I know now that she has been having seizures since that time--some little, some big. The shaking is hard to watch and she often loses control of her bladder and throws up after the whole ordeal is over. It's terrible to watch her be in so much pain.

After talking with two veterinarians and countless friends and family, I've made an appointment with a local vet to talk about our options. I've made up my mind that I'm not going to endlessly medicate her and if that means putting her to sleep before the seizures start to occur more often, then it means just that. I appreciate all the prayers as I go through this process for the first time. It is terrible to think about Mattie not being a part of my life anymore.

I think the thing that gets me through it all is knowing that I have helped (in some small way) to make her life a better one. She has been loved by so many people and she has nothing but love to give in return. I can't stand the thought of coming home to an apartment where she isn't freaking out to see me.... (Those of you who know about her separation anxiety can chuckle a little bit at this one.)

On a lighter note, I am up late mainly because I got sucked into all the Bachelor drama this season and just spent the last three hours of my life trying to figure out what Jake was thinking when he picked Vienna. I don't even blame her anymore--I think I can be more mad at Jake for not realizing what he had in Tenley!

But I'm super glad that Ali is going to be the new Bachelorette! She was one of my favorites from the beginning of the season and I'm so glad ABC is keeping her around. I tend to like the Bachelorette shows better than the others because it is just too much fun weeding through all the eligible men for myself :)

Seriously?

Seriously.